Grow. Baby. Grow.: friday 20 july 2012

It's been a few days since my last post... and admittedly, I've posted a few updates on Facebook but not here on the blog... So my apologies... I've been so exhausted that I just didn't have the strength... HAHha. There are several things I've been meaning to post, but hopefully I will get to do so this weekend... Ahhh...

I've had the painter fixing our walls in the bedroom/ nursery all week... Which means with my pumping schedule, I am in bed at 1:30 AM, up at 6, pump, get Bianca ready for camp, shower, put her on the bus, painter arrives, wait until my mother-in-law arrives, I leave to sit in Lisbon traffic, then RUN to hospital, say a quick hello to baby (as now it is 9:45 and I am 15 minutes late to feed her, so the nurses do it, then I have to pump, then I sit with baby until about 1 pm (she usually sleeps really well during this time, so I dont get snuggles... ) then either I feed her at 12:30 pm, MAYBE get to change her diaper (it is unwise to change a Vivi diaper immediately post-feeding.... OOohhhh noooooo) THEN I haul ass BACK to the south side, sit in MORE traffic for the Lisbon bridge. (People take their lunch hour to go to the beach... I get hit with traffic TO and FROM.... UHGHHHHHH). THEN I make it home, Alda leaves for work, painter returns from lunch, I have lunch and pump, and the last few days I've just laid on the couch and tried to nap. NO brain power to blog, just internet surf/ tv... The painter leaves at 5, I have to pump at 5:30, THEN I have to go pick up Bia at 6, and then I end up having to drive either BACK to Almada to Leroy Merlin to buy paint/ other painting supplies... As of course, once you START painting a room with one kind of paint, you have to finish with it... So every day this week I have had an extra hour and a half of driving and shopping. (Not the fun kind of shopping either.) THEN its bath for Bia, make dinner, pump, water the flowers, pay attention to Zulu, laundry, tidy up, anything else I forgot, Bia goes to bed, I zonk out on the couch until about 12:30 - 1:30 AM, as its better to stay awake for that pumping hour, as I am so tired I just can't force myself to get up. Oh, and I am sleeping on the couch in Vic's office, as my bedroom is under plastic wrap for the painter...

I miss my husband who is away for hopefully the last time for awhile... because... the BIG DAY is coming up really really soon..... VALENTINA. <3

So the latest news with our sweet little Petunia.... Baby is now over 2 kilos!!!! Two days ago, we hit 2018 grams, thats 4 lbs 7 oz!!!! Oh sweet baby!!! She is almost REAL BABY SIZE!! HAHah!! She still seems so small to me and I keep asking if her size is ok, is she almost at a normal (healthy) birthweight for a full term baby... And I know there are no real answers to this line of questioning, every baby is different, as long as everything is developed fully, etc... I guess I just want some reassurance when there is no guarantee with anything.... It is a hell of a way to perceive your child, but I am trying to stay positive. I truly believe that everything with Vivi is just fine, will continue to be just perfect, that she will grow into a big fat healthy perfect baby, and have a happy healthy childhood and wonderful great life. But that doubt and fear and trauma! creep around in the back of my head, tugging at my heart strings. It's strange now, how I call the NICU three times a day, now that she is stable, and pretty darn close to being a "normal" baby. In the beginning when things were still really scary, I would have Victor call in the middle of the night when I was up pumping at 2, 3 AM. And I knew it would be fine then, as she was so fragile and safe in her incubator where nurses would jump and run to see she was ok if her alarms rang. Now that the end of our NICU stay is just around the corner, I am up all night worrying, and even when I do call, and the simple answer is, "Mom, your baby is fine, she ate, pooped and is sleeping," I still can't sleep because I am worried she is lonely. Maybe I am just lonely for her? HMmmmmm psychoanalyze yourself Jax.... Maybe that's it.... I WANT MY BABY!

This morning, I am home. The painter is finishing hopefully today......................... sigh................... ugh.................... still waiting.......................... and I was crying at 6:30 AM as I know that baby doesn't have enough milk until I can get there this afternoon. I don't know how that is possible, but somehow it is... and I am crying over breastmilk. Valentina will no doubt enjoy the preemie formula she will be served, it just upsets me that I am not there for her, doing the one thing I can do without medical intervention. Well, sorta... she still has her feeding tube, but that's only because she gets sleepy after chowing down her first 15 ml of milk. Baby is now eating 8 x 37 ml a day! And with all of my pumping efforts, I average about 450 ml a day! This is still considered low milk output (is that such a thing? HAhaha) but for us, for now, it is great! And I have about three big Ziplock bags in the freezer FILLED with milk.... Last I checked, I had saved over 36 ounces, which if you think too much about, that's kinda gross... BUT I probably have more... as I have had a few days where I actually pumped exactly 500 ml of milk. That is awesome! I am now obsessing over how to make sure baby has a proper latch..... More obsessive tangents on this in the future....

Yesterday on Facebook, I posted a quick status update... Baby had her first successful breastfeeding session! Well... all things considered... I sat down, snuggled her across my belly and she latched on within a few seconds and gave a huge SUCK! It was wild! I can't help but laugh when she's chompin' away, even if it is more of a comfort suck... It is so surreal to me! We are learning together and I feel really good about our budding nursing relationship. She successfully consumed 5 ml of milk (Nurse Rute used that handy feeding tube (that works for both in and out) and sucked out the contents of her tummy, 5 ml, and then pumped it back in. HAhah). THEN she sucked out the air from her belly, which means no worries about having to burp baby, did she burp, was that a burp, is that a cough or a choke, NURSE! please don't walk too far away, baby is eating! She could burp and choke! I'm not ready for this yet!!!!! I am absolutely terrified for the inevitable day where I will have to flip baby and do the baby Heimlich...

So that is it! We are up to date! Baby is about a week or two away from coming home from the hospital! I can't believe it!! There is still so much to do before the house is ready! So much to BUY! OMG!!! My mama will be here July 30th, so whatever isn't finished by then. . . I can't even think about that right now. . .

Cupcake Mama, over & out.