at the risk of breathing easy... lets tiptoe towards that tiny, flickering light we see at the end of the tunnel... shhhhhhhhhhh.........
my mama patti sent me the three preemie books i ordered frantically on amazon last week after our first blood transfusion... just received them yesterday and i am deeply immersed in my reading. the internet is a fast source of information, but it is definitely an emotional overload. and i am a hands-on kind of learner, even if it means holding a book and highlighting the crap out of it.
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| "Preemies - Second Edition: The Essential Guide for Parents of Premature Babies" Dana Wechsler Linden |
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| "The Preemie Primer: A Complete Guide for Parents of Premature Babies--from Birth through the Toddler Years and Beyond" Jennifer Gunter |
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this week has been a quiet, stable, progress filled few days. and valentina told me she wants to come home soon, so i am gearing up to finish her nursery asap. 6 - 10 hours a day at the hospital leaves little time and energy to strip and re-cement walls, paint, put together ikea closets, reorganize ALL my clothes (85% of which doesn't fit right now...), wash and obsessively organize baby clothes and things, etc... oh you know, thats all...
so as i mentioned before, vivi is now breathing with oxygen assistance, which is awesome. she is doing it on her own, with just a little boost! she had a second blood transfusion and still on her two antibiotics, which the more i read about, the more calm and ok about. not that i am ok with our teeny thumbellina being sick, getting poked, pricked and squeezed, but i am more aware about how and why these things are happening. and now i know i need to sit with her 20 hours a day to assist doctors and nurses with their hand sanitizing. i picture myself with a bottle of purell, chasing and squirting staff like a perfume sampler lady at bloomingdales...
so while both infections are hospital related (read hospital- caused), and the anemia too (also common among all newborns), valentina is doing quite well... so well, that nurse nadiya dressed her in her first onesie and mentioned that if all keeps going as well as it has been, we will be headed to intermediary care room (aka the exit room!!!). i still expect sweet baby to stay in the hospital until the end of july, early august (when she was due), but it will be a huge relief to be moved to the less scary room... i am so envious when our "friends" move to the other room... being a preemie parent, you start to get to know the other babies around you, and the parents, of course. due to the language barrier, my relationships with these parents are relatively limited, as you can only converse and joke in comfort each other to a limited degree when your speaking skills are limited... the other day said (first in english, then in a bastardized- portuguese) that this guy (a dad to a wee little tiny boy) that he looked like he was waiting outside the principal's office. (his wife was pumping breast milk behind the screen. this is a half-hour process, every two hours. poor dads...) my joke kinda just went over his head. and every time a new set of parents come into the NICU, i want to say to them, "welcome to purgatory." but i am not sure how to say this in portuguese, so i just kinda leave it be. though i think it every- single- time- i see new parents...
so... i ordered some preemie clothes... the first baby clothes i have purchased for my baby. i didn't buy anything when i was pregnant, so these few little NICU wraps and onesies are definitely the first. they are pretty girly, pink zebras, cherries, pink leopard print... girly yes, obnoxiously so, no... and they are all NICU- friendly. my first parental purchase. *swoon,* in a way, i hope vivi will have outgrown them by the time they even arrive.... though i don't think babies grow that fast... wishful thinking... i will post her fashion show photos as soon as said clothing arrive... :D
oh, by the way, as of yesterday, valentina lee castro weighed in at 1164 grams... that is 2.5 lbs!! daddy victor changed her diaper yesterday afternoon, promising me and vivi that he will change every single diaper... which this is a lovely thought... i think he was just gushing overwhelming love as a result of holding his little sweet baby for the first time... <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
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| daddy & baby. |
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| sleeping happily. |
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| i love daddy snuggles. |
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| heart. bursting. love. |
so i am not so much into these filters on the camera... i typically love all the different filters for the iphone, but i think in this case, the filters do not do justice to our little love... her skin is perfectly pink and even toned, porcelain, her features are symmetrical and lovely, like a little doll. her blonde eyebrows and eyelashes are barely visible (and again baby, mama's fault, i apologize). eye color is still blue though this we know can/ will change in the next few months. she is precious. she is beautiful. and she has p.e.r.s.o.n.a.l.i.t.y!! bites the tube that vacuums her out (a necessary discomfort), slides down her incubator, likes to chill with one foot up against the incubator wall (??!), prefers to sleep curled up on her belly, knees tucked in under her, and she likes to pee during diaper changes. and she likes to make her mama's heart melt, when she seems to smile when i say hello to her... *swoon*
ok ok ok... enough gushing... time to shower up and head to the hospital.
one last parting thought... i am happy to report that after a few days of slight panic about my milk supply, i am starting to see an increase in my milk numbers. i write down every pump, and i am *finally* seeing a steady increase... little by little, we are getting a handle on this... i had a photo of my milk log, but seeing that i cannot figure out how to mirror the image, it would be backwards, and not very effective. either way, like i said.. at the risk of enjoying good news...
last night, may i lastly add... was the first night i have had... of grownup normalcy. dare i say, i went on a date with my husband?! victor surprised me with tickets to see the mars volta at this amazing little theater in lisbon... it was awesome! i had one dark beer (promotes breast milk!!) and the theater was spectacular, but sadly, not filled with a crowd... but the intimacy of the show was a huge change from the last mars volta show i saw a few years back in nyc... it was such a change for me, going to a show, trying to enjoy myself, all the while, feeling my boobies tingle (LOL!), filling with milk for my baby, thinking of our baby snuggling her monkey blankie at the hospital, waiting for mama and papa. vic and i laughed, as we were both wearing "comfortable, practical shoes," not pounding beers and dancing like frantic maniacs. we also could not think of the last show we have been to, where he wasn't playing the gig, doing the sound for the gig, we weren't friends with the band, and didn't know anyone at the venue to get us in for free. and it wasn't a huge mega- concert. we were just an ordinary couple last night, who went to the concert, had a beer and sat (?!) in the theater chairs the second half of the gig because i was tired. jax. vic. WHO ARE YOU?!! quick!! we need to shave up mohawks and pierce something on our faces and get tanked and get new tattoos!!! good god. we are growing up. it feels awkward and amazing. i am so happy and proud to have victor to share this life with, as much of a struggle as it has been. i keep saying it over and over again, but it is never enough.... thank you victor... have i told you today how much i love you?? <3
and as always, thank you to all our friends and family who love and support and pray for us and for our little baby... clearly we ALL are doing something right... these last few days have been such a wonderful progression of steps forward... i know in my heart of hearts that everything is gonna be just fine.. that baby valentina is going to come home from the hospital soon, a happy, healthy perfectly normal (if not brilliantly spectacular and smart and talented and funny and ingenious clever, charming) little girl. and i do attribute it in part, to the love and support that we receive daily, from everyone out there, rooting for our little girl.
and on that note, i was also thinking.... there are a LOT of friends and family out there, who i know read our blog and who on a daily basis think and pray and resonate positivity for baby vivi. example. my long lost friend from high school, katie messaged me, sending love, telling me she and her little precious girl payton pray for vivi... (just picturing her and her sweet little girl getting ready for bed and saying evening prayers for vivi, it brings tears to my eyes.) or my former roller derby teammate julia, who is now NYPD... who's precinct ask her for daily updates... or the woman who drove past my sister-in-law, carmen, while we were standing in front of bianca's school last week, and asked out the window of her car, who was baby valentina, as she wanted to know who she was praying for. (i stood there, mouth hanging open.) there really are people out there rooting for our baby. my heart is so big and so full and so grateful i cannot begin to express my love and gratitude to all my family, my friends, and all the family and friends i haven't met who are scattered across the globe, thinking of valentina. i keep thinking of this ocean of people out there... i would love to put together a sort of tribute to all of YOU, for vivi to see and understand one day... the magnitude of love out there, when people come together. i was thinking maybe everyone can send a postcard to vivi, or make an origami heart or bird or something. i am still trying to come up with ideas... does anyone have a suggestion? i would love for it to not be "digital," if possible... something hands on but nearly effortless... would you send a postcard? would you make a paper bird and put it in an envelope and mail to valentina?? i would love love love to have a way to do a something... to always have as a reminder of the power of people, coming together in small ways to change the world... even if it is only one month old and a huge 2.5 lbs...
endless love.
*grow. baby. grow.*
and i am definitely buying pink hairdye this weekend.
I am so, so, so, so happy to see Baby Valentina growing *SO* big and strong. She is absolutely gorgeous JaXi! (Just like her momma!)
ReplyDeleteHi Jac! So glad to read always this wonderful news.
ReplyDelete"slides down her incubator, likes to chill with one foot up against the incubator wall" - Ines did exactly the same in the cradle of the hospital, I think it is a way for them to feel the edges and feel safe, as it was in the womb.
Lots of love ans positive energy for that lovely cutchi cutchi baby :)))