OH I think we are ALL thrilled that 2012 is over... It was certainly a really hard one for us... And while I could review all the bad... It's a new year to start afresh, focus on the positive and head towards better times. I am HUGE on New Years Resolutions (and I stick with them for the most part!!) so my list is coming!
I know I have been an absolutely horribly lazy blogger lately... But with the holidays, you know.... yaddahyaddahyaddah... I baked/ made a lot of Christmas presents this year, and naturally, I was so busy I didn't photograph anything until it was too late. I decorated the house quite nicely, I rearranged our living room (including a brand new gorgeous chocolatey shaggy carpet, I reorganized all of our paperwork for the past year for our next years IRS (HUGE POINTS for this one). This was a huge undertaking, as it was beautiful and perfect for a long while, until BAM I was in the hospital, and then at the hospital with the baby for three months.. then distracted by baby for the rest of the year... I finally got it under control... With the exception of the last week's receipts... Which reminds me.... mMmMMM........
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LET'S BACKTRACK A BIT
LET'S BACKTRACK A BIT
Back in 2007, as the year was coming to a close, I was having a Young- Life- Crisis. Actually, it was more than that.... It was more of what I extensively wrote about as being my Full Blown Existential Crisis. I was a mess. I finished my BA from Ithaca College (Politics- History- Latin American Studies), yes I am quite well educated despite my overuse of the F word... Sorry Mom... I had just moved back from living in Downtown Los Angeles, I had my first real heartbreak the year before and it royally rocked my world in all the worst sort of ways, I wasn't quite ready to "buckle down" to go back to school yet, I was partying WAAYYY too hard... And I had no idea where I wanted to go/ do/ be.
So, tail between my legs, I moved back home to my parents' house, in Westchester County, NY. A fate worse than death in my mind... I had left home at 18, and had not been home for longer than 3 weeks for the next 6.5 years. Westchester felt like the most stifling, style-cramping, oppressive, conservative, life-suck. At the time, all my friends from high school were gone, far- far away... My booze & fun friends in the great NYC were mentally "off-limits" to me and I felt really crash-burn-blownout-destroyed-dead-tired. Like I said, I was pretty lost. It wasn't so much a dark period of my life, but just more of a wash for awhile. I was really, really all over the map, emotionally. I need to make one big distinction though here, that I think was crucial to my... recovery... regeneration of identity.... breaking out of my breakdown? My parents' house and property were and still are a safe haven. From our wedding photos, you can see how gorgeous it is, but it's more than just that. The property itself I swear has healing spirits or some groovy sh*t... And the well water.... It can cure anything that ails you.... Mind.Body.Soul.
When I rag on "home" I mostly mean coming home to Westchester County. There were a few instances where my booze and fun partying happy times became more of a belligerent display of my pent-up aggression (I was kicked out of a few bars for fighting.... IMAGINE THAT... LIL ol' me!!) And I was also kicked out of bars- stone-cold sober- because I was HAPPY and misconstrued for being drunk because I had some much HAPPY/ laughing/ yelling/ bigness coming out of me. Does that make sense? Yes, I was cut off at the Pub once around this time, no joke... SOBER. (No, Lars was not bartending that night, for those of you who know.... HE would NEVER cut me off... :D)
ANyhow, I digress.. My point is, is that I recognized that I needed some major changes... And my New Years 2007- 2008 was possibly the lowest of my lows, once I moved back to Westchester. It wasn't so much that NYE was a bad night. in fact, it was the night before that was the issue... NYE started for me around 5 pm, when Stuart picked me up at the train station, to drive me to another Westchester train station to get my car... And while I won't elaborate on that particular evening that included a Rangers game, lots of whiskey, Brooklyn, headbutting, and getting on the wrong train line out of NYC and ending up in Harlem with no cell phone, no money and Aunt Martha just letting me switch trains without saying anything... Stuart picked me up on the side of the road with nothing to show for myself, but a cold, egg sandwich in a brown paper bag. (Yes, that was the abridged version, believe it or not.) So I spent NYE 2007-2008 in my parents' bed, eating popcorn and snuggling Dapper Dan, my parents' Other Child, a dapple coat mini- dachshund.
New Years Day: 200GR8. (Yes... I called it Two-Thousand-Great.) I went for a run. Oh I was such a mess. It was snowing, beautiful, quiet, giant- flaked silence. And then there was me: huffing, puffing, sweating, cursing, crying... A true horrorshow on the side of the road, working through mountains of existential crisis inside myself. And while I only ran about 3 miles that day (my old running loop), I really reset a huge chunk of my soul. I got home, stuck my face under the faucet, and blasted my insides with frigid!!! well water, and began what I can only think of as a true purification process of my whole life. That week, I wrote a 6 page list of New Years Resolutions. And while 2008 started out strong, and it ended with another 6 months of BAD decisions, it ultimately set me on the road to the first BEST year of my life: 2009.
I wrote A LOT in 2008. I ran a lot. I worked through the tail-end of my post-adolescent/ early adulthood stage of my life and bit and fought and screamed and bled... I clawed my way into the next phase of my life: Adulthood. And while my own sense of self and identity is still growing, evolving, changing, I look to that 2007 to mid- 2009 period in my life to where the best/worst/biggest changes happened.... And while I am still pretty existential from time to time, definitely nuts, insecure, way-too-rigid, throughly immature, etc.etc.etc.... I feel like I really grew up inside myself.
I met Victor July 26th, 2009. THAT was the most defining moment of my new sense of adulthood. I am a firm believer in the idea that when you are ready for good things to happen, only then will they come. 2008 was the best/worst year for me. A LOT of growing pains. 2009 had a lot of drama too. But the way it all added up, I wouldn't change a thing. It rung my bells and really reworked a lot of BS inside of me that I had to deal with. We are talking about my head, my unsolved issues with myself, my family, working, my education, past relationships, friendships and ex-friendships, oh god you name it, it was all wrapped in there, in that year and a half before I met Victor. Literally the WEEK we met, I was still having epiphanies that were life-changing. THat may seem seriously dramatic, but I had an Ah-Ha Moment, just before I met him, that I swear.swear.swear: cross- my- heart- hope- to- die, is the reason I MET HIM. When your heart and your head are finally ready, the universe will give you exactly what you want and need And I got him. And I got my future. Which is now, just my happy. good. blessed. life.
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I KNOW this is not the typical Grow.Baby.Grow post you were expecting... AHhem lots of Christmas photos coming soon! But I had to kinda... clear the air. Clear my head. Clear my heart: 2013. Let's go.
Coming soon:
Valentina: December in review, US Passport!, Baby's first Christmas, lots of photos and milestones.
My Resolutions: I feel it is time for another 6 page list.
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I had intended to write a lot more right now, but the baby is awake... So I am going to grab my phone and record her "Good Morning Face." It is amazing.... Will share shortly...
Disclaimer: I am not editing this post: Just write and Publish. My apologies if it is scattered... I wanna catch baby-wake-up face!!
xoxoox
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